Innocence is Lost
by comaXwhite
Summary: Manny's life after she and Emma end their friendship, for good. Loosely based on the movie 'Thirteen'
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Applies to every chapter._

_You never think you'll get betrayed. You trust your friends with all your heart when you're naive. But in the end, you wind up crying, wishing it had never happened. But you can't change it, and you have to live with the suffering everyday. Looking back on it, it wasn't worth anything. But I gave up everything to have it._

"Emma, I know you're going through a rough time, but you've been dating Peter behind my back for how long?" I yelled. At this point, I needed to get everything out in the open. It had been 3 months since Emma got hospitalized for her eating disorder. She kept talking about how I had to accept Peter, how he wasn't that bad, that he didn't mean to blackmail me. But I'm not ok with them dating, I'm not ok with him never saying sorry for anything. That couple is pretty similar, Emma never apologizes for anything either.

"Manny, I did like him first, and I tried to ignore him, but he's a good guy!" Emma yelled back.

"Oh, yea, he was wonderful when he sent my boobs to the entire school!"

"Well maybe if you weren't such a slut, it would never have happened," Emma said calmly.

"Should the girl who got gonorrhea really be talking about being a slut? You were a prostitute Emma, that is so much worse," I said, I know that it's hitting low, but I can't listen to one more person say I'm a slut.

"Manny, what is your problem? You know I was going through a rough time after the shooting, that's why I did it!"

I hate that excuse. "I hate that excuse. Jimmy got shot, which is so much worse. Did he go around giving head to guys in the Ravine? No. You did it because you wanted to."

"No, you weren't there, it was different for me."

"Really? How? Because to me, having a bullet go through my spine and paralyze me would be so much worse than having a gun pointed at me."

"I lost everything, I could have died!"

"I know. But that doesn't give you an excuse to do whatever. But hey, at least the pornographer will get plenty of pleasure."

"You're in my house Manny, you're living in my house. If you wanna talk to me like that, then move out."

"Fine. I'm going to talk to my parents about moving back in. I'll be back later to get all my stuff," I said as I turned around to go up the stairs. I don't need her anyway. The friendship was completely one sided. Emma would fuck up, I would save her and then go through the whole cycle again. Anytime I needed her, she would turn her bony back on me. When I went out for Spirit Squad, when Craig chose me over her, when I didn't want to date JT, or I decided to change my image. When I got pregnant and didn't want to have it. She turned away from me every single time. Sure, she told Craig off for me, but she still managed to throw in how she's furious with me.

I hope my parents let me move back in. I have no place to stay. Craig's in Vancouver, I can't stay there. Emma and I aren't friends anymore. I'm not really too fond of Liberty, Darcy and I aren't on speaking terms. Paige and I aren't at a great stage in our friendship, plus she's going to university. I finally got back to my apartment, and I knocked on the door, hoping my mother would open it. I don't feel comfortable just walking in anymore.

"Manuela, sweetheart, what are you doing here?" my mother asked when she opened the door. She sounds thrilled to see me.

"Mommy, can I come in? I need to talk to you and Daddy," I said. This isn't going to be easy.

"Sure, come in. Joseph, can you come out here please?" my mother asked as she closed and locked the door.

When my father came out, he looked less than happy to see me. "What's she doing here?"

"Daddy, I'm giving up acting. I want to live here with you and Mom again, I miss you."

"Manuela, you were so against that in the beginning, why now?" my mother asked me.

"Because I lived without you guys, and I missed you. I need you guys, and if I have to give up a dream that probably would never come true anyway, that's what I have to do," I said. I hope they believe me. I don't want to give it up, but I can lie about it until I know I'll make it.

"I don't know. You were out of control, you were acting like a-" my father started.

"Daddy, I know, and I'm sorry. I promise, I will be the perfect daughter. You'll never have to yell at me again, you'll never be angry with me again, I'll always make you proud."

"Joseph, please. Let her come back," my mother pleaded.

"Fine, but there are going to be conditions. I have to go to work now, Manuela, be home by 6 for dinner," my father said. He had an awkward look on his face, which told me that my mother had been talking him into letting me come back for a while.

"Ok, I will be. Thank you," I said as I got up to hug him. He just walked out the door. I tried to hide the hurt that it brought. "Mommy, I'm going to go get my things from Emma's. I'll be home by 6, promise," I said as I went to my room to go get a bag to put clothes in.

"Ok, put all the clothes in the hamper, I'll wash everything."

"Thank you Mommy," I said as I gave her a hug.

When I got to Emma's I knocked on the door, and Spike answered. "Manny, you don't need to knock, you have a key," she said.

"I need to give that back. I talked to my parents and I'm moving back in with them," I said, handing her the house key.

"That's sudden. I didn't even know you were thinking about leaving."

We walked into the living room and she motioned for me to sit down next to her on the couch, which I did. "It was kinda last minute. I just thought it was time to go back home. It was great staying here though, thank you so much Spike."

"You're welcome, anytime you need a place, our house is always open. You can still go to New York with us, it's still your ticket."

"I think I need to stay at my place a little bit, talk to my parents more. And we always go to the Philippines over the summer, thanks though."

"Oh, ok. Well, you should probably go break the news to Emma and go pack."

"Yea. Thanks again Spike."

When I walked down the stairs, Emma was on the phone with someone, Peter probably.

"Yea, she is such a skank. I am so glad I don't have to look at her for the next two and a half months," Emma said to whoever was on the other end.

"At least I don't look like a fucking skeleton," I said under my breath.

"Hey, Peter, can I call you back, a rat just came into my room. Love you, bye," Emma said, hanging up the phone. "What the hell is your problem Manny?"

"What? I'm just getting all my stuff that you threw all over the place."

"Because you were stressing me out!"

"No, Emma, you stressed you out. You didn't have to stab me in the back, you didn't have to sneak around for months, you didn't have to starve yourself. You, you, you, you. It was your fault Emma."

"Whatever. Just pick all this crap and leave. Peter's taking your ticket to New York by the way."

"Hey, you two in a hotel room, he likes to record sex acts, you might be the new Paris Hilton, without the hotness that is."

"Screw you Manny."

"Just let me call Peter, I'm sure that can be arranged."

"He loves me, not you, me."

I looked her right in the eye, I wanted her to understand this completely. "You were his second choice, Emma. He sent that video around because he wanted to date me and I said no. You were never number one. Sean chose Jay and Alex over you, Craig chose me over you, and so did Peter. The only person you were first to was Toby."

"You're gonna screw up your nose if you keep snorting all that crack."

"You should probably stop starving yourself, since the heroin makes you thin enough."

"I am so glad this friendship is over."

"Just don't come crawling back to me, like you always do," I said. That was the last thing that was spoken in that basement between the two of us. I got all my clothes and shoes and make up and everything else in a few bags, and I called my mom to come pick me up from the park.

It feels so good to be back in my room, without having to share everything. I put everything away and picked up my cell phone, dialing Craig's number. He didn't answer. Probably recording or something.

"Manuela, dinner is ready," my mother called for me.

I sat down to chicken and rice, a meal that she cooks once a week. I'm still sick of it, and I haven't lived here for 8 months. "Looks great, mommy," I say, trying to hide my disapproval for the meal. Dinner was pretty quiet, my dad just talked about work, my mom listened and I sat there, forcing myself to eat the meal. When I was finally finished, I asked if I could go for a walk, and my father practically kicked me out the door.

I walked to the park, and sat down on a swing. Maybe things are finally getting better. It's not like I could've lived at Emma's forever. Craig said he should be back by October, and it's my senior year. Things are going to get better, they have to. I got up off the swing to start heading back to my apartment when I saw her.

"Oh, um, hi," I said, sounding so stupid that I would've kicked myself if I could.

"Manny. Hi," Ashley said. "How's Craig?"

"Good, um, he said to say hi, when I was on the phone with him two days ago. So, hi," I said, not redeeming myself at all.

"Great."

"Ashley, I know it was forever ago, but I really am sorry for everything. Since you're going to be at Degrassi, I just wanted you to know that I still feel badly about everything."

"That's great Manny. Thanks, but I'm over it. I'm over Craig."

"Ok, I just wanted you to know, so you didn't think I was just some bitch," I said, shifting my weight. This was a really uncomfortable conversation, even two years later.

"I stopped caring a while ago. He's all yours, so, have fun, I guess."

"Thanks. At least you don't still love him, cause fi you did, it would be like some weird love square," I said in my pathetic attempt at a joke. It didn't work.

"Square? Um, Manny, you, me and Craig is a triangle."

"Right, um, I should probably go now," I said, desperate to leave.

"Who else likes him?" Ashley said as she grabbed onto my arm.

"Ellie. She was pissed when me and Craig got back together."

"Ellie? Ellie Nash? No, no, she doesn't like Craig. She knows about everything that happened between us, she doesn't like him," she said, sounding more like she was trying to convince herself more than me.

"I think she does. I need to go back home now, I can't get my parents mad. Bye Ashley," I said. I didn't really want to leave her there, it was just a really awkward conversation. Bringing Ellie into it just made it worse.

"Manny, wait, it's only 7, you have plenty of time to get home. Come over here," Ashley said, walking over to the benches.

I really hoped she wasn't going to try to jump me or something. She's like 7 inches taller than me, and I don't have much fighting experience. Paige and Darcy are the only people I've really fought. "Ok, what's up?" Stupid question, Manny.

"Does Ellie seriously like Craig? Tell me the truth."

"She was jealous of me and Craig. It was always pretty obvious," I didn't want to be the one to tell Ashley this, but she had a right to know.

"So much for best friends. She led Jimmy on too, why would she go after Craig?"

"Why did we go after Craig?"

"You went after Craig Manny. Craig went to me. I have to go, I need to talk to Ellie," Ashley said, getting off the bench.

"O-ok," I said. Great, another relationship that I screwed up. I can't just stick to boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, no, I have to go after friendships too. I can already tell, this is going to be an amazing summer.


	2. Chapter 2

I walked into the Dot, expecting to just order a sandwich and leave. As soon as I walked in there, I got a red head standing in front of me, Marco behind her and Paige sitting at a table giving me a look. Great. "Ellie, excuse me. I want to go order my food. So move," I said.

"What did you tell Ash?" she asked, not moving.

"She's your best friend, she deserved to know that you're acting like a bimbo so you can get with her ex."

"I am not acting like some bimbo, bimbos are sluts, they show off their tits to anyone that'll look. And who has the video?"

"Whatever. I really don't care. So move," I said. When she didn't I walked around her, giving Marco a look that told him not to go near me. I didn't mean to, Marco's great, but I can't just let him and Paige and anyone else talk shit to me whenever they want. "Spin, can I get a turkey sandwich to go?"

"Sure," Spinner said, avoiding eye contact. Ever since Darcy found out that I slept with Spinner, he's been acting like I gave him herpes. Never looks me in the face, says barely anything to me, always gives me my order first so I get out of the Dot faster. But he's totally fine around Paige.

A few minutes later he handed me my sandwich, I handed him the $2.73 and I walked out the door, ignoring the glances from Ellie's table.

I decided to sit in the alley near the bakery, it always smells good there. I threw the wrapper from my food onto the ground and took a big bite out of the sandwich. And then I spit that big bite out. I looked under the bread. "Shit, mayo," I said under my breath.

"Not a big mayo fan?" someone said. I looked up. Jay. Great.

"It tastes like shit. Why do you care," I said as he sat down next to me on the ground.

"If you're gonna waste a sandwich, you could at least offer it to your good friend."

"Take it. I'm not hungry anyways," I said, handing him the sandwich.

"Where's Greenpeace? You two are always a fun pair to make fun of," Jay said between bites.

"That bitch is staying far, far away from me. You don't like her, do you?"

"No. She wasn't that good. Didn't know what to do with-"

"Ok, ok, great. Too bad for Peter then," I said, wanting to know nothing about whatever Emma did, or rather didn't do.

"Peter? Well at least she's over Cameron."

"Those two were always horrible together. Almost as bad as you and Em," I said. The last part made him cough.

"What the fuck?" he asked, trying to catch his breath. The thought of him dating Emma obviously wasn't a nice image for him.

"She was talking about you guys dating once Alex found out. And then once you blew her off she said she was only talking about it cause she was off from the shooting."

"That girl's cracked. And not from the shooting. She was stalking Cameron after he dumped her sorry ass."

"Why'd you want her to give you head?" It had nothing to do with the topic, well not really. But I want to know.

"I knew she would be easy to get."

"And you were right. I should probably get going. My dad's kinda insane."

"Later Santos."

"You're welcome, you know, the sandwich," I said as I walked out of the alley.

This is going to be a long summer, I thought as I walked down the block. No Craig, no Emma, I could probably hang out with JT. As long as Liberty won't be there. I don't want to sit there and listen to her go on and on about something for 5 hours, just to have to leave and not have the chance to do anything exciting.

"Need a ride?" someone asked as they pulled to the curb. It was Jay, I knew before I even turned my head.

"Are you stalking me?" I said as I got into the car.

"My friend lives in an apartment over here."

"If you say your friend's name is Manny Santos, I think I'll scream," I said laughing. It was just a joke, but the thought really creeped me out.

"We're friends?"

"Well, I don't know. Not fuck buddy type of friends."

"But those are the best kind," he said, stopping at a street.

"Turn left. I have a boyfriend anyway," I said.

"Yea, wouldn't want to cheat on the cheater."

"Craig's not cheating on me. He wouldn't do that."

"You want the truth Manny?" I nodded my head. "If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you."

"Did you cheat with Alex?"

"Alex was my first real girlfriend. Before her, it was just hook up after hook up."

"Ok, well, that's not going to happen with me and Craig. We're perfect for each other."

"No, he likes the whole love idea. Whoever it's with is just gonna make it happen for him."

"How would you know? You and him aren't exactly friends."

"I heard the rumors about his dad. Spinner told me it was true. It's just what happens with families where the dad's an abusive asshole. The kid winds up needing love and whoever supplies it is gonna be his favorite person. And if some chick gives him attention in Montreal or wherever."

"Vancouver. And how would you know?"

"I just do," he said. "Where am I going?"

"Next block. The second building."

"K."

It was a silent ride after that. I walked up to my apartment and sat on my bed for hours. I couldn't get Jay's words out of my head. He is a scumbag cheater, so I guess he could know something about it. But Craig loved me, Jay only wanted head. Craig did love me. He did. I mean he does. Craig loves me.

I took a deep breath and grabbed my cell phone. I hit the first person on my speed dial and listened to the rings. "You have reached Craigie's cell phone. He's off being a rock star so leave a message and Craigie will call you back." Beep. I hung up.

Craigie? What the fuck?


	3. Chapter 3

This summer hasn't been the most exciting. After Emma and I stopped talking, I mainly hung out with JT and Danny. I saw Jay a few times, but it wasn't planned or anything. And now it's 12:00 AM, August 15, aka my birthday. I'm not having a party, my father wouldn't allow his teenage daughter, who he thinks is a slut, to have her own birthday party. I haven't had one since I was 7. But that's ok, I don't really want one. I just want to talk to Craig.

I'm hoping that he'll come back and surprise me, like he did for his friend's graduation. I hope I'm as important as they are. I haven't been able to talk to him much. He's been busy with Natasha, some girl who's helping him with music or something. I've accepted that he'll always have a girl helping him with music. But I can't seem to get the thought of him cheating out of my head.

I went to sleep and woke up at 1. I went into the kitchen after getting dressed, expecting to see a 'Happy Birthday' balloon, a cake, presents. But it was empty. "Mom, Dad!" No one answered. "Mom?" Ok, no one's here, on my birthday. I picked up the phone and dialed my mom's cell.

"Hello, Manuela, I am so sorry, happy birthday," my mom said.

"Thanks, where are you?"

"Sweetie, I had to go see your father at work, just an appointment, I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Ok, um, can I go out for a while?"

"With who?"

"I don't know, maybe JT, or maybe I'll just go to get something to eat."

"Ok, but Manuela, don't do anything stupid. Have you cell phone on."

"Ok, mother I'll have it on. Bye." I hung up and left the apartment.

I'm sick of living with them already. It's only been around a month, and I'm already sick of living with them. My father is just sexist. He thinks that I shouldn't be allowed to get any job just because I don't have an appendage between my legs. He still thinks of me as a slut. He still doesn't want me hanging out with anyone who does that have appendage.

My mom is in overprotective mode. She's freaking because she doesn't want me to do anything that will make my dad kick me out again. He wanted to do that for a while, ever since I started dating Sully. I don't know how they found out about that. Emma probably said something to Spike, and she said something to my mom. And she's only kept one secret from my dad.

But whatever, he can't kick me out for no reason. And I've been doing my best to make sure I don't do anything stupid. I messed up a few times. Mainly when he was complaining about abortion, how the decision should be up to the man, since he would be financially responsible. I didn't even think, I just blurted out 'but it's her body.' He gave me a look, then changed the subject. I then excused myself and went to my room.

My cell phone brought me out of my thoughts. "Hey JT."

"Hello Manny. I just wanted to say happy birthday. You're finally 17, you're actually pretty young."

"Shut up, I'm not that young. Liberty's a year younger than all of us."

"Yea, well she's more mature than a lot of people too."

"I guess she had to grow up fast. She was always mature."

"Yea, she did grow up fast. So did I. Just to give it all up."

"Did you want to keep the baby? I mean, that's a lot of work."

"Honest?"

"Yea, be honest."

"I wanted her to get an abortion at first. She didn't want one, and I wasn't completely against children, so I was kind of excited about having one. And then the gut wrenching fear came in, and well, now our child's off in Washington."

"That must be rough."

"Yea. But hey, it's your birthday, there's no reason to discuss something depressing. So what gifts have you gotten?"

"I haven't seen my parents yet, they're in a meeting or something at my dad's work. So I'll know when they get home and I get home."

"The thrilling waiting period. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat due to the excitement."

"As soon as I sit down I will be," I said. Right after that I almost ran into someone in front of me.

"Santos, watch where you're going," Jay said, sounding annoyed.

"Sorry," I said, covering part of my phone so JT wouldn't hear. Then I started walking again, and asked JT to repeat what he just said. I looked to my right and saw Jay walking next to me. "I have to go, I'll be sure to call you later and tell you all about my gifts. Bye." I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket. "So, why are you walking with me?"

"Gifts? Is that some code for boobs or sex or something?"

"You are such a perv. And no. today's my birthday and he was asking me what I got, and I and don't know, which is why I said I'd call him."

"Poor Craig, having to listen to you go on and on about stuffed animals instead of sex? That's a rip off."

"I wasn't talking to Craig. I was talking to JT."

"Oh, so the boyfriend hasn't called you at all?"

"No, he's called. He called last week. He's just busy, he's in Vancouver to work, not talk to me on the phone."

"Whatever you say."

"Yea. You're not even going to wish me a happy birthday Jay?"

"I can do something better than that."

"I'm not getting gonorrhea, and I'm with Craig."

"I wasn't talking about that, I don't even have any bracelets. I was talking about going to the ravine for something else."

"Something like…"

"Some weed. We could smoke, that would make you happy on your birthday."

I want to. I want to smoke, get high, be happy, forget about the fact that Craig hasn't called me and it's my birthday. And one time won't kill anyone, right? "Ok, fine. But not alone. I don't trust you when you're sober, I'm not risking anything when both of us are high."

"I'll call Alex then."

"She's not going to university?"

"She's staying around here for a while. I don't know why, but that's what she wants to do," he said. Maybe I'm being delusional, but I think I heard some hope in his voice. I guess he still likes Alex. I guess he missed Alex's relationship with Paige.

"Oh, she's taking a year off? That's cool."

"Yea. University won't help anyone, especially when they can't afford it."

"Is that why you're not going? Can't afford it?"

"Well, I would probably have to graduate high school first, and thanks to my former buddy Spinner, I don't have that opportunity."

"Spinner's not that bad. He did feel horrible about Jimmy and the shooting."

"I don't know why, it wasn't his fault."

"He did play a part in the prank, which pushed Rick over the edge. It doesn't matter if Spinner brought the gun or not, he still thought he was responsible. He still felt remorse."

"It was Rick's fault. Rick brought the gun and he decided to shoot people. Spin and me had nothing to do with it."

"I agree with you. I'm just saying that Spinner thought he was responsible, it doesn't matter if he was or wasn't, if he thought that, no one could change it."

"I'm gonna call Alex," Jay said, taking out his phone and dialing. While he was talking, I started to think about grade 10. The year of the shooting, the year Paige and I hated each other. The year I dated JT and Spinner, the year Emma ditched me for Paige after yelling at me for hanging out with Paige. I can't even think about that girl without wanting to hit her and her little boyfriend a hundred times. That would be a nice birthday present.

"She'll be there in fifteen minutes. Manny?"

"Oh, sorry. What?"

"She'll be there in fifteen minutes. We'll probably get there a few minutes after her."

"Why don't we take your car?" Stupid question. But the fact that he was walking around was odd.

"It's at the ravine."

"Oh. Why'd you leave it there?"

"No one will take it. No one will do anything to it."

"Oh." We walked the rest of the way there in silence. I was thinking about Craig and how I wanted him to at least call me, and he was probably thinking about sex. We met Alex, who was sitting on a bench.

"What's she doing here?" Alex asked when she saw me. Great, someone I've never talked to hates me.

"It's her birthday and she wanted to celebrate."

"I'm not making out with her Jay. I'm not doing anything with her," she told him. I don't know if that was meant as an insult to me or to him.

"I don't want to make out, or do something else. I have a boyfriend," I said, hoping she wouldn't bite my head off.

"Relax Lexxi, she just wants to get high. And I figured that since we're friends, I should invite you, so you would have some fun."

"She wants to get high?" The way Alex said 'she' made it sound like she thought of me like I was some saint who never does anything bad. Obviously she didn't pay attention to any of the 'slut' rumors that went around after grade 9, and grade 11.

"She's not some saint you know," Jay said. "You coming or not?"

"Yea," she said, getting off the bench. "You know, when you said a friend was coming along, I didn't believe you."

"I do tell the truth occasionally," Jay said.

The rest of the two minute walk was just them going back and forth, it seemed like flirting, just meaner. Then Jay sat on the ground, Alex on a rock and I took a log. We were out in the middle of the trees, smoking weed.


	4. Chapter 4

I started hanging out with Jay and Alex more and more. It's weird how before, I thought they were insane. Especially in grade 9. Over the years, Alex has gotten better. But Jay… I haven't seen him much since he got expelled. I figured he was the same ass who stole whatever. He's not bad at all though. The only semi-personal experience I had with him before this summer was when he gave Emma gonorrhea, and I barely even knew about that. Other than that it was all rumors. Rumors go around a lot in that school. There's always some sort of confrontation going on. A lot of the time, it's with me. And today was no different.

"Manny!" Ashley said as she ran up to me. Great. I just told her the truth, and now I'm going to get blamed. Again.

"Ashley, hi."

"Look, we've never gotten along. But what you did was low."

"Excuse me? What did I do now? I never touched Jimmy."

"This isn't about Jimmy. This is about you making up some story that Ellie likes Craig just to get me mad at her."

Making up? "Ashley, she does like him. She's been drooling over him since the summer. She could barely stay away from _my_ boyfriend. If you're gonna be mad at anyone it should be her." I didn't even care about the response. I left school before fourth period. I went to the alley to have a cigarette. A habit I picked up from hanging with Jay and Alex. I'm gonna quit eventually. I just want to finish this pack first. And this time I really will quit. It won't be like the other four times I said I would, then caved and bought a new pack.

Halfway through the cigarette, I texted Craig. I told him that I missed him. And that my birthday was ok. He never even called me. But he's got work.

After 10 minutes he didn't answer my text. I decided to call him, I really wanted to talk to him. So I dialed the number and got an odd sounding voice on the other end. Well, not odd, just not Craig. "Hello?" she said.

"Who is this?" I asked.

"This is Natasha, who is this?" the voice, apparently Natasha, asked.

"Manny Santos. Craig's girlfriend."

"Oh, right, I think he mentioned you, did you want to talk to him?"

Uh, why else would I be calling? "Yea, I would to talk to him."

"One second, I just have to find him. Hold on." I heard her opening doors, calling his name. One second turned into three minutes. I was watching the ash burn down on my second cigarette when he answered. "Manny, hi."

"Craig. I'm not interrupting anything am I?"

"No, just trying to write a song. So what's up with you? How've you been?"

"I've been ok. I had a good birthday."

"Crap, August 15. I think I was in the studio, I wanted to call, I just was busy."

"Oh. You couldn't call during a break? You took off for the graduation, all I wanted was a call or even a text message."

"I know, and I'll make it up to you, I promise. I will."

"You better. I miss you."

"I miss you too, but I can't come back for a few more weeks. Manny, this is it. This is my big break."

"I'm thrilled for you." He's going onto bigger things, amazing things. I'm going onto my third cigarette.

"So how's everyone there? Ellie, Marco, Jim?" he asked, sounding like he knew something.

"Fine I guess. I don't talk to Ellie much."

"You've been talking to Ash I hear." Yep, he knows.

"Craig, I thought she knew. I really did, I didn't want to screw anything up."

"Ellie called me when Ash came up to her and slapped her. How could you do that?"

"You took Ellie's call? You answer Ellie but you can't even text me on my birthday?" It wasn't the point of anything he said, but that's what I heard. He can make time for Ellie but not me.

"It was important, she called like five times."

"Craig do you care about me at all?" I was starting to tear up. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

"Manny, of course, I love you, you know that."

"You're not showing it. You're talking to Ellie more than me, you're listening to her more than me. Do you love her more?" I wanted to shut myself up. I wanted to hit myself. I'm not prepared for what the answer could be. I not prepared to hear that he cares about Ellie more.

"She's a good friend. That's it. Listen, I have to go, but I'm going to call you at 10. Promise."

"Ok, bye. I love you."

"You too." That was it. He hung up. I want to believe him so bad. I want to believe that he loves me and Ellie means nothing. I don't know if I can. And it's killing me. It's literally killing me. I flicked the cigarette and some ash landed on my ankle. I felt kind of odd. But inviting. The next action I took affected my entire life. I just didn't know it at the time. That cigarette took away my pain for a little while. It went right on my thigh. And I forgot all about the lives I ruined, my relationship, everything. All I felt was sweet, inviting pain.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the obnoxiously long wait. Between school, work, visiting relatives and having a life, it's taken me months to finish this chapter. So I've decided to upload two to make it up to you guys.

I've started ditching class a lot. Partially because it's too boring to go, and partially because 5 out of 7 are with Emma and I can't stand to look at that girl. I just started taking more and more auditions, that way it doesn't matter if I finish school. I'll be like Craig, too famous and too talented to need to go to school. If he didn't need to graduate because of his talent, I don't need to graduate because of mine.

Speaking of Craig, I never got that call. I stopped calling. At this point, I'm wondering if I should even stay with him. I love him, I really do, but what good does that do if I never get to even hear from him? None. The only guy that really even calls me is Jay. Maybe it's because I have money for pot, or maybe it's because he just likes me, not my money. I can't decide which.

"Santos, you coming or what? Alex and I are waiting outside," he said into my phone.

"I'll be down in two minutes, I promise." Like he'd believe me. I said that fifteen minutes ago.

When I finally went downstairs, Alex was either trying to make a point that I took forever by pretending to sleep, or she really did fall asleep. "Is she ok?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm ok, but if you took any longer I would've fallen into a coma," she said as she got out of the car, pushing the seat forward so I could get in.

"Sorry, I couldn't find my keys." I really couldn't decide what to do with my hair, but I had said that, they would've kicked me out of the car.

"Whatever. You up for the ravine?" Jay asked. Stupid question.

"Yea, I'm always up for the ravine."

It was a pretty silent ride over there. And a pretty silent walk over to our spot. We never smoke around other people. Jay's not too big on sharing. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want me to have any. But in the end, it's us three smoking, drinking, driving around. Doing something. Until 10. That's my super early curfew. And today, I was most definitely in for a surprise.

I walked into my apartment, and my parents were sitting at the table. Flashbacks to grade 11 came, when I wanted a boob job. Not so pleasant, considering I have no where to go if they kick me out again. "Mommy, Daddy. What's wrong?"

"Manuela, the school called today. You have not been attending classes?"

"They call for that?"

"Sit down. Now. Explain this, now." My father looked like he could kill someone. So much for not making him upset this time.

"Emma and I got in a huge fight over the summer, and 5 of my classes are with her. I can't look at her, let alone have a class with her. So I haven't been going," I said. I didn't lie, it's true, I don't want to see Emma. I just left out the part about taking auditions because I don't think I need school.

"I don't care what she said, what she did, you are going to school. Your mother will drop you off everyday and pick you up everyday. We are going to ask for emails from each of your teachers just to be sure that you're there. Screw up again and you're gone," he said, and left.

I looked at my mother. She was silent the whole time. There was no huge scene, just my father saying whatever he wanted and leaving. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause any problems."

"Just go to class. We can't change anything."

"Ok, I will. Promise."

I went to my room, my parents went to sleep. I had to call Jay and tell him I couldn't make it tomorrow. "Jay, it's Manny. I can't go tomorrow."

"Santos, this is the biggest weed party until… forever. You have to go. Just ditch, it's not like you've never done it before."

"Can't. The school called my house, my parents know. If I ditch I'm homeless."

"Oh come on. Do you know how many times my dad's said the same thing? I'm still living there and I got expelled."

"Look, I just can't. Not for a while. Just save me some, ok?"

"Sure, whatever." He hung up.

I'm missing the party. I completely forgot about it, I don't know how, but I did. And now I can't even go. Tomorrow's this guy's birthday, Mac, and he always buys enough weed for any ravine regulars to some with him. His friends get alcohol too. And I'm missing it to spend 8 hours of misery with Emma Nelson and the rest of the school. I don't really have any friends there anymore. JT and I kinda lost touch, he's still cool and I'd still talk to him, but we're not friends really. And I get to waste my time with them.

I woke up at 6, when I normally go to bed. I got ready, and my mom dropped me off at 7:55. As late as possible. I walked into my first hour classroom, AP Bio, which I had forgotten, and went up to my teacher to get the assignments I had missed. Then with a handful of like, 15 sheets of homework and a pound of notes, I took my seat. Emma shot me a glance. If that girl says anything to me, I swear I'm break her pointy little nose.


	6. Chapter 6

Bio was boring as hell. I sat there, thinking about what my friends were doing right now. Probably smoking, drinking having fun. While I'm learning about the molecular make up of a cat. Well, supposed to be learning. Emma kept glancing back at me, making little faces. I just sat, doing nothing. At the end of class, I walked up to her. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Me? Problem? I don't know what you're talking about," she said, giving me a fake innocent look.

"You keep looking at me with that fugly face of yours, why?"

"Just shocked that you're in class, that's all."

"What I do, is none of your fucking business. So don't look at me and don't talk to me," I said that and left. I walked over to my locker and put my pounds of work from period one into my backpack and started walking to my second hour class, English. But someone caught my attention. "Sean?" Um, what the hell?

"Manny, hey, I haven't seen you around at all. Jay said you two have been hanging out a lot."

"Yea, we've been hanging. How long have you been back?"

"Month and half maybe. You haven't been around school much."

"Yea, I haven't really been into it lately. Too blah and boring, I have better things to do. Or at least had, until the school called my house and the parents went psycho."

"Jay's been telling me about your activities."

"Sean, should you really be talking to me about the dangers of Jay? He is your best friend, not mine."

"I'm not saying anything. I should go meet Emma, I'll see you later." Then he left. I guess those two got back together. But god, was the bench press good to him or what? I hope him and Jay hang out more, while I'm there.

The school day was pretty boring, followed by a boring detention. I have one everyday after school for two weeks, and two Saturdays. This is going to be great.

I got home and started on my Bio homework. I have so much to make up, I'm not going to have a life. I was in the middle of doing my homework when Jay called. He actually did save me some weed. And if he was so kind and saved me some, I can't just blow him off. That would be rude. So I decided that one little smoke wouldn't kill me.

He picked me up, and instead of Alex sitting in the front seat, there was Sean. "Hey," I said to them as Sean got out and pushed the seat forward, letting me in the back. The ride wasn't silent this time. We sat there and joked, and had a really good time. When we got as to close to our spot as we could get, Jay parked and we got out. Sean helped me out of the car. He's really changed since grade 9, the last time I really talked to him. He's matured, and apparently today isn't the first time he's smoked. He would have to be on drugs to get back with Emma.

We walked over to our spot and we smoked. This was the best stuff I've ever had, it was like the first high. Everything was hilarious, everything was cool, I felt amazing and free. Jay's friend, some blond bimbo who's name I don't know, came over and then two of them went at it. They were all over each other, worse than Jay and Alex had ever been. Probably because the blonde bimbo was just ravine trash, and Alex actually has some class. Well, more than her anyway.

While those two were all over each other and walking to Jay's civic, Sean and I sat there, talking, while the high started wearing off. "So you and Emma, you're hot and heavy?"

"I wouldn't say hot and heavy, but we got back together. All she keeps doing is bad mouthing you or Peter though."

"I take it she finally dumped that piece of shit. Too bad, those two deserved each other."

"What happened between you two?"

"Me and Peter or me and Emma?"

"Both."

"Peter sent a video of me topless to the entire school. And Emma started secretly dating him after that. Like, how could you do that to your best friend? And then she started starving herself, which she claimed started because I needed to lose weight for my audition, and then she just kept going and going, and she blamed her full blown eating disorder on me. Saying that I was stressing her because she was dating Peter. By that point I had enough and I can't even look at that ugly bitch anymore." Hopefully knowing all of this will help Sean dump her. Not even so he'll be with me, after all I am with Craig, but just because he deserves someone better.

"Oh, she just said she had body image problems. She never said any of that."

"It's not like she ever would. Little Miss Perfect couldn't possibly admit to something that would make her look bad, could she?"

"She's not that bad Manny. She far from perfect, but she's not the devil's daughter."

"Could've fooled me. Why are you back with her? I mean, I'm no fan of Ellie, but she seems better for you."

"Honestly? After the shooting, I just wanted something that reminded me of when things were simpler. Of when I never killed anyone. And Ellie was with me when that happened, so I needed to find a way to transfer my feelings for Ellie over to Emma. And I am so stoned right now."

I laughed. That's probably why he admitted to everything. There's no way he would've otherwise. "Well Emma isn't exactly the best girlfriend. You deserve better. You deserve a girl who will accept you, not judge you. To love you, not love what you could be." And that's when it happened. The best revenge that could ever happen. We kissed. I kissed Emma Nelson's boyfriend. Well, I made out with Emma Nelson's boyfriend. Among other things. I've found the perfect way to hurt her like she hurt me.


	7. Chapter 7

Things after that day were pretty weird. It got to be pretty awkward around Sean. He pretty much ignored that anything happened, though it was really obvious that he clearly remembered everything that happened that day at the ravine. I would walk past Emma and Sean in the halls, and he would give me this look. Not one saying 'Make anything obvious and I'll kill you,' but not one that hinted at him wanting a repeat of that day. It was more of regret. Not like he hated what happened, but more like _when_ it happened. I regretted it though. I really did.

I'm still with Craig. I love Craig, I do. It was wrong of me to hook up with Sean. I mean, as far as I know, they don't really talk much now, but I still know about it. Craig would dump me. I know it. And he said he's coming back for a visit, so we can work out all of our problems. I just want to know what's going on. Where he's been, why he barely calls. It's important, you know?

School today sucked. It was just boring. Tomorrow's Halloween though, so there should be a good party. Jay always knows where the party is, who's going, what is going to be available. He passes this onto Alex, Sean and me. Things with Jay have been… interesting. I'm just so comfortable around him. I know that he's not the boyfriend type, and I have a boyfriend already. But I could see myself being close to him, if he weren't such a bottom feeder. I swear, he's been with like, twenty girls since we started hanging out. He's hitting on Alex less though. So maybe he's actually getting the whole lesbian thing. Who knows.

I don't know where he is. He usually gives me a ride home, but today he's somewhere… probably with some girls in the back seat. I'm glad I never have to sit there. So I'm walking home, about 20 blocks. I'm just barely in district for Degrassi. My parents never give me rides. My mom actually got a job, so they're hardly home anymore. Which means less rules for me. My mom is a nurse, she quit working when I was born but went back, obviously. She switches between night and day shifts, so I can stay out til 4 AM sometimes if I want to. Once, I fell asleep at Jay's and I knew my parents would kill me. I mean, I was planning the attendance list for my funeral and what my tombstone would say. But when I got home, no one was there. My dad stayed at the office late, and he called and said that the weather was too bad so he just stayed there and my mom had a night shift.

When I finally got to my apartment, someone was sitting on the front stairs. I got closer and I realized who it was. 'Hey,' I said, sitting down next to him. 'What are you doing here? And why didn't you offer me a ride?'

"Manny we need to talk about… well, I think you probably know," Sean said. He was fidgeting, moving his hands a lot.

"I was waiting for this. Sean, I'm still with Craig, so that's where I am right now. With Craig."

"And I'm with Emma. So I just don't want that getting out, 'cause it'd really hurt her and cause trouble for both of us. Well, maybe not you, since you're not friends anymore, but definitely for me," Sean quickly said. He seemed to struggle with everything.

"I got it. And I totally understand. We both have relationships, and what happened… well, what do you think of what happened?" I'll be totally honest with you. I was dying to know. And I mean dying. Did he really like me? Did he think I was good? Or did he want to die?

"I think it was the drugs. I'm not one to cheat, and however good it was, it was wrong," he replied. That's Sean for you. Can't ever be totally mean, unless you're Emma. He threw in that little compliment that anyone else would've missed. Sweetheart.

"I agree. So let's bury it," I said, taking out a cigarette. "So," I said, pausing to light it, "Who knows?" I blew the smoke off to the side, not wanting to put it all in his face. I know how bad smoking is, this is my last pack.

"Just you. Not even Jay," he answered.

"Really? Not even Jay Hogart knows?" I asked, disbelieving him.

"Not even Jay Hogart. I don't know every girl he's hooked up with," he responded.

"That's a pretty long list I'd imagine. You probably just don't have the time to hear every girl," I replied, pulling the sleeves on my shirt down. It was getting cold.

"Yea, I guess. But he's really starting to change. He still hooks up with a ton of girls, but it's like, he's getting sick of it, you know?" the blonde answered. He seemed to be realizing it as he was saying it.

This statement peaked my interest. "He wants Alex again? News flash, she's into girls too. How doesn't he get that?"

"I don't think it's Alex he's interested in," Sean said, standing up. "But I have to go, work in fifteen minutes."

"Sean, wait!" I said, getting up to stop him. "What do you mean?"

"Work is stuff you do for money, and I have to start-"

"Cut the crap, what do you mean about Jay?"

"Nothing, I don't know. I was just thinking out loud, it really means nothing," he said, slamming the car door shut and turning the key. "I'll talk to you later," he said as he sped off.

I plopped back onto the stairs, needing a new cigarette. I'm down to two more. But that's ok, I don't really need cancer. Sean's statement was still on my mind. Jay? Jay wanting more than a one night stand with anyone that wasn't Alex? Who would he want it with? Amy is the queen of the sluts. She doesn't even need the crown and sash, it's just a known fact. So it couldn't be her. Besides, we don't even talk to her. We. Me and Jay. Jay and me. Me? My phone started vibrating, telling me I had a call. Jay, maybe. I pulled it out and looked at the screen. _Craig._ I almost didn't answer. And felt like shit because I almost didn't answer. "Hey," I said, blowing out the smoke.

"Hey babe, what are you doing?" he asked, I could tell he was happy.

"Nothing, I just finished some lunch," I said, putting out my cigarette. I finished it down to the filter.

"Oh, that's cool. Don't plan anything for the second, I'm coming back that day. I should be there by the time you're out of school."

"Really? Craig, that's awesome!" I squeaked, hurting my throat.

"So, I have a break. What've you been up to?" he asked as I searched for my kegs in my pink purse.

"Oh, nothing much. Just school, friends, the usual," I said. It was true. I'm going to school now. And I'm hanging out with friends, I just can't say that one of those friends is Jay. It's unnecessary drama.

"Cool, cool. I've been writing a lot of songs, recording. I'm burned out."

"So you're looking forward to your break? Do you already have plans?" I asked as I pushed the heavy door open and walked up the stairs to my home.

"Nothing definite. I know what I'd like to do. See you, the guys, Ellie. Just do stuff I did before I came out here," he answered.

"Ellie. Right. That'll be interesting," I replied, throwing my stuff onto my bed and curling up on my chair.

"Come on Manny, she's a good friend and a good person. You can work through your differences," Craig said. Sure we can.

"Who knows-" A beeping noise interrupted my thoughts. "Hold on a second," I said. Jay was calling. "Hey babe, can I call you back? Thanks, bye," I said, switching over to the other call.

"Hey Jay," I said, trying not to make my revelation too obvious.

"Manny. I just wanted to let you know about the party tomorrow night. It's at Alyssa Moreno's house."

"Oh, cool thanks. So what are you doing?" I asked, not knowing why I suddenly cared so much, and wondering why me caring so much didn't seem new.

"Leaving work, why?"

I got off my chair and walked into the kitchen in search of something edible. I noticed a note on the fridge. "I was just wondering if you wanted to do something. I have no plans either."

"I guess, if you want to. Just let me stop home first."

I read the note, seeing that I had until six on my own. "Just come straight here, you can shower here and then we can leave by six."

"Shower there? Are we going to be doing some activities that would make both of us need to shower?" Jay said completely seriously.

"I don't think so, I just can't have you over if my parents are home," I replied. The thought of that crossed my mind though, and I immediately pushed it out. I'm dating Craig.

"Whatever, I'm on my way I guess," he said, then hung up. Stupid Sean. He put these fucked up ideas in my twisted mind, and it's going to end up fucking up my relationship with someone. I've loved Craig forever. Since I was 13. We have so much history and I finally have him to myself. And Jay is Jay. Loud, obnoxious, crude and rude Jay. But there's something about him that makes me want to talk to him. I enjoy his company, and if he likes me, what'll happen? Will it be weird, like it was with Toby and the bitch who shall not be named? Or will it be how things were with me and JT, where it was there but dropped when I got a boyfriend? I have a boyfriend and he knows it. Now everything is screwed up.

I walked to my bedroom and laid down on my bed. I closed my eyes and let myself think of everything. And then my phone rang. It was Jay. "Hello?" I answered.

"Can you open the god damn door? I've been ringing the buzzer for fifteen fucking minutes," he said.

"Sorry, I must've fallen asleep… I'll be right there," I said, throwing the phone on my bed and jumping off of it. I buzzed him in and walked out, knowing he had no clue which apartment was mine. "Jason, up here!" I said, trying to get his attention. He walked up the stairs and I led him into my apartment.

"So this is your house? Where you eat, sleep, undress, shower," he said, inspecting the place.

"Yea, I also shoot some webcam videos for Playboy here," I joked.

"So that's why you and that scrawny kid shot that video," Jay replied.

"Ha ha," I sarcastically answered. "How'd you know about that anyway?"

"Spinner."

"Oh. Did you see it?" I asked, shifting my weight. I don't want him to know what I look like. To have no respect for me.

"No. I promise," he genuinely answered. We looked at each other for a second, I mean really looked. "So where's this shower?"

"Oh, right. Over here," I said, leading him to my bathroom. "Towels are in the closet."

"Great," he said, closing and locking the door. It's weird to think that he's showering naked in my bathroom. God damn it Sean. Look what I'm thinking about now? It's weird because Sean's the one I hooked up with, not Jay. And Jay's the one that I can't get off my mind. But it's just a phase. I'm with Craig.

I should probably call him back. I grabbed my phone and walked into the living room and dialed his number. Six rings later I got his voicemail. I'm so fucking stupid, I should've missed Jay's phone. Jay will answer, he has nothing better to do unless he's doing someone. Craig's effing impossible to get on the phone. I hate myself sometimes.

I looked around the room, and glanced in the kitchen. I walked over to the refrigerator and realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday. It's 4:26 now. I opened the door and looked around. Nothing that I really wanted to eat. Most of it needed to be cooked, and I'm a terrible cook. I can make a few things, but few is limited to about four or five foods. I must've been staring at that for a while because Jay walked out, clad in fresh clothing, and asked 'what the fuck I was doing.'

"Nothing. Just, nothing. Never mind. So what do you want to do?" I said, closing the door and taking a seat at the table.

"You look hungry, we can go get something to eat," he said, putting his hoodie on.

"No, I'm fine, we can do something else if you want," I said.

"I'm fucking starving. Let's go," he responded as he opened the door. I left a note for my mom then left, feeling something I haven't felt in a while: butterflies.


End file.
